These bits and pieces of e-mail humor were choosen from the the past two or three years’ collection. Many were saved, but only a few chosen. My main criterion is they appealed especially to my sense of humor. Lots of people send me humor and I thank you all. Dick in Budapest, Rich in Las Vegas and Mike in Yoooojeane are the most prolific sources. If you enjoy these let me know, and perhaps I’ll edit some more. Editing manually from the many email formats to fit Dream Weaver is a pain.
001 Faith Based
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, “Father, me dog is dead. Could ya’ be saying a mass for the poor creature?”
Father Patrick replied, “I’m afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there’s no tellin’ what they believe. Maybe they’ll do something for the creature.”
Muldoon said, “I’ll go right away Father. Do ya’ think $5,000 is enough to donate for the service?”
Father Patrick exclaimed, “Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn’t ya’ tell me the dog was Catholic?”
During his Sunday sermon, the preacher told his congregation that the entire range of human experiences could be found in the Bible. He confidently stated, “If anything can happen to humans, it is described somewhere in the Scriptures.”
After church, a woman approached him and said, “Reverend, I don’t think the Bible mentions anything about PMS.”
The preacher told the woman he was certain he could find a reference to PMS somewhere in the Good Book. During the following week he searched diligently, book-by-book, chapter-by-chapter, and verse-by-verse.
On the following Sunday, the woman asked, “Did you find any reference to PMS in the Bible?”
The preacher smiled, opened his Bible, and began to read, “. . . And Mary rode Joseph’s ass, all the way to Bethlehem.”
003 Murphy’s Law of Genealogy
1. The public ceremony in which your distinguished ancestor participated and at which the platform collapsed under him turned out to be his hanging.
2. When at last after much hard work you have evolved the mystery that you have been working on for two years, your aunt says, “I could have told you that.
3. You search ten years for your grandmother’s maiden name to eventually find it on a letter in a box in the attic.
4. You never asked your father about his family when he was alive because you weren’t interested in genealogy then.
5. The will you need is in the safe on board the Titanic.
6. Copies of old newspapers have holes occurring only on the surnames.
7. John, son of Thomas the immigrant whom your relatives claim as the family progenitor, died on board ship at the age of 10.
8. Your great grandfather’s newspaper obituary states that he died leaving no issue of record.
9. Another genealogist has just insulted the keeper of the vital records you need.
10. The relative who had all the family photographs gave them all to her daughter who has no interest in genealogy and no inclination toshare.
11. The only record you find for your great grandfather is that his property was sold at a sheriff’s sale of insolvency.
12. The one document that would supply the missing link in your dead end line has been lost due to fire, flood, or war.
13. The town clerk to whom you wrote for the information sends you a long handwritten letter which is totally illegible.
14. The spelling of your European ancestor’s name bears no relationshipto its current spelling or pronunciation.
15. None of the pictures in your recently deceased grandmother’s photo album have names written on them.
16. No one in your family tree ever did anything noteworthy, owned property, was sued or was named in a will.
17. You learn that your great aunt’s executor just sold her life’s collection of family genealogical materials to a flea market dealer “Somewhere in New York City.”
18. Ink fades and paper deteriorates at a rate inversely proportional tothe value of the data recorded.
19. The 37 volume, 16,000 page history of your county of origin isn’tindexed.
20. You finally find your great grandparents’ wedding record and discover that the bride’s father was named John Smith.
004 Car Trouble
There are four engineers traveling in a car; a mechanical engineer, a chemical engineer, an electrical engineer and a computer engineer. The car breaks down.
“Sounds to me as if the pistons have seized. We’ll have to strip down the engine before we can get the car working again”, says the mechanical engineer.
“Well”, says the chemical engineer, “it sounded to me as if the fuel might be contaminated. I think we should clear out the fuel system.”
“I thought it might be an grounding problem”, says the electrical engineer, “or maybe a faulty plug lead.”
They all turn to the computer engineer who has said nothing and say: “Well, what do you think?”
“Ummm – perhaps if we all get out of the car and get back in again?”
005 Wise Men
In a small Southern town there was a Nativity Scene that
showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it.
One small feature bothered me. The three wise men were
wearing firemen’s helmets. Totally unable to come up with
a reason or explanation, I left.
At the “Quick Stop” on the edge of town, I asked the lady
behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a
rage, yelling at me. “You Yankees never do read the Bible!”
I assured her that I did, but simply couldn’t recall
anything about firemen in the Bible. She jerked her Bible
from behind the counter and ruffled thru some pages, and
finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my
face she said “See, it says right here, ‘The three wise
men came from afar.”
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down,but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man.He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
“Oh my, I am so sorry,” the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.”Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,” she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap…and stay for breakfast the next morning. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed!! Everything had been incredible!!!! “You know,” he said, “you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?”
“No, she replies….
“You just happened to catch my eye .”
007 UK Home Economics Text Book 1961 Quotation
THE GOOD WIFE GUIDE
On Making Your Husband Comfortable in the Evening.
1. Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a
delicious meal ready on time for his return from work. This is a way
of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal (especially his favourite dish) is part of the warm welcome needed.
2. Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it.
3. Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives. Gather up school books, toys, papers etc. and then run a dust cloth over the tables. During the colder r you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by.Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order and it will give you a lift too. After all, catering for his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction.
4. Minimize all noise. At the time of his arrival eliminate all noise of
the washer, dryer or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet. Be happy to see him.
5. Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to
please him. Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first, remember his topics of conversation are more important than yours. Make the evening his.
6. Never complain if he comes home late or goes out to dinner or other places of entertainment without you. Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his very real need to be at home and relax.
7. Try to make sure your home is a place of peace, order and tranquillity where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit. Don’t greet him with complaints and problems. Don’t complain if he’s late home for dinner, or even stays out all night. Count this as minor compared to what he might have gone through that day. Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or have him lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange the pillow and offer to take off voice. Don’t ask him questions about his actions or question his judgment or integrity. Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness.
8. Once he has had a chance to have his evening meal clear the dishes and wash up promptly. If your husband should offer to help decline his offer as he may feel obliged to repeat this offer and after a long working day he does not need the extra work.
9. Encourage your husband to pursue his hobbies and interests and be supportive without seeming to encroach. If you have any little hobbies yourself try not to bore him speaking of these, as women’s interests are often rather trivial compared to men’s.
10. At the end of the evening tidy the home ready for the morning and again think ahead to his breakfast needs. Your husband’s breakfast is vital if he is to face the outside world in a positive fashion.
11. Once you have both retired to the bedroom prepare yourself for bed as promptly as possible. Whilst feminine hygiene is of the utmost importance your tired husband does not want to queue for the bathroom as he would have to do for his train. But remember to look your best when going to bed. Try to achieve a look that is welcoming without being obvious. If you need to apply face-cream or hair-rollers wait until he is asleep as this can be shocking to a man last thing at night.
12. When it comes to the possibility of intimate relations with your
husband it is important to remember your marriage vows and in particular your commitment to obey him. If he feels that he needs to sleep immediately then so be it. In all things be lead by your husband’s wishes, do not pressure him in any way to stimulate intimacy. Should your husband suggest congress then accede humbly all the while being mindful that a man’s satisfaction is more important than a woman’s. When he reaches his moment of fulfilment a small moan from yourself is encouraging to him and quite sufficient to indicate any enjoyment that you may have had. Should your husband suggest any of the more unusual practices be obedient and uncomplaining but register any reluctance by remaining silent. It is likely that your husband will then fall promptly asleep so adjust your clothing, freshen up and apply your night time face and hair care products. You may then set the alarm so that you can arise shortly before him in the morning.This will enable you to have his morning cup of tea ready when he awakes.
008 Blond Jokes, Book One
On the first day of their Honeymoon, the very naive blonde virgin bride slipped into a sexy but sweet nightie and, with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find that her new Christian husband had settled down on the couch.When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he replied, “Because it’s Lent.”
Almost in tears, she remarked, “Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard! To whom did you lend it, and for how long?”
A blonde was driving home after a game, and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard and all the dents would pop out.
So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into the tailpipe. Nothing happened. She blew a little harder, and still nothing happened. Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, “What are you doing?” The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed
her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.
Her blonde roommate rolled her eyes and said, “Uh, like hello! You need to roll up the windows first.”
While making rounds, a doctor points out an X-ray to a group of medical students. “As you can see,” she says, “the patient limps because his left fibulaand tibia are radically arched. Michael, what would you do in a case like this?”
“Well,” ponders the student, “I suppose I’d limp too.”
010 Characteristics Women Desire in Men
What I Want in a Man (Age 22):
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic love
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32):
1. Nice looking (prefer hair on his head)
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42):
1. Not too ugly (bald head OK)
2. Doesn’t drive off until I’m in the car
3. Works steady — splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I’m talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52):
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn’t belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn’t borrow money too often
4. Doesn’t nod off to sleep when I’m venting
5. Doesn’t re-tell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62):
1. Doesn’t scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn’t require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he’s laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it’s the weekend
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72):
2. Doesn’t miss the toilet
011 Twenty One Reasons Why the English Language is Hard to Learn
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) The farmer needed help with planting, so he taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
012 Lost in a Monastery
Lost on a rainy night, a nun stumbles across a monastery and requests shelter there. Fortunately, she’s just in time for dinner and is treated to the best fish and chips she’s ever had. After dinner, she goes into the kitchen to thank the chefs. She is met by two brothers.
“Hello, I’m Brother Michael, and this is Brother Charles.”
“I’m very pleased to meet you. I just wanted to thank you for a wonderful dinner. The fish and chips were the best I’ve ever tasted. Just out of curiosity, who cooked what?”
Brother Charles replied, “Well, I’m the fish friar.”
She turns to the other brother and says, “Then you must be…?”
“Yes, I’m the chip monk.”
013 Golf Instructions
1. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.
2. Form a loose grip.
3. Keep your head down.
4. Avoid a quick back swing.
5. Stay out of the water.
6. Try not to hit anyone.
7. If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.
8. Don’t stand directly in front of others.
9. Quiet please, while others are preparing to go.
10. Don’t take extra strokes.
Very good. Now flush the urinal, go outside, and tee off.
014 New Priest
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, “When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.”
So next Sunday he took the monsignor’s advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don’t gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as daddy,
junior and the spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the “Big T.”
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said,”Take this and eat it for it is my body.” He did not say “Eat me.”
12. The Virgin Mary is not called “Mary with the Cherry.”
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God!
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St.Peter’s, not a peter pulling contest at St.Taffy’s.
015 Letter from Grandma
Got a letter from Grandma the other day. She writes:
Today I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a “Honk if you love Jesus” bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day becauseI had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is, and I didn’t notice that the light had changed.
It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus, because if he hadn’t
honked, I’d never have noticed! I found that lots of people love Jesus!
Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind me started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, “For the love of God! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, go!” What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love! There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yell something about a “sunny beach”.
I saw another man waving with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. Then I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, and he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign, or something. Well, I’ve never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out of the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing. Why, even he was enjoying this religious experience!
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed that the light had changed. So, I waved to all of my brothers and sisters, grinned, and drove on through the intersection.
I noticed that I was the only car that got through before the light
changed again, and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all of the love that we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window, and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!
016 Experience Counts
A 59 year old airline Captain was going for his semi-annual check ride. Of course in the copilots chair was the airline’s chief Pilot. He noticed as he looked over his left shoulder that the Captain who was getting the check ride was wearing very thick glasses, and said to him, “Hey Fred, how the hell can you see with those god-damned “binoculars” on?’
” Captain, I solved that years ago…..I see the control panel just fine, but can’t see beyond the windshield.”
” Well, how in hell do you know when to pull back and lift off?”
“Easy old boy, when my copilot screams JESUS CHRIST, FRED!!!!!
” I just ease ‘er back and have a perfect out of the book lift off.”
017 Mouse Balls
This, apparently, was a real memo sent to itx field engineers about a computer peripheral problem.
Replacement of Mouse Balls
If a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Mouse balls are now available. Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel. Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacture of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist-off method.
Mouse balls are not usually static-sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge. Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately.
It is recommended that each person have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction. Any customer missing his balls should contact the local personnel in charge of removing and replacing these necessary items.Thank you,
018 HMO Alternative
A man was brought to Mercy Hospital, and went in for coronary surgery. The operation went well, and as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy waiting by his bed.
“Mr. Smith, you’re going to be just fine,” the nun said while patting his hand. “We do have to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?”
“No, I’m not,” the man whispered hoarsely.
“Can you pay in cash?”
“I’m afraid I can’t, Sister.”
“Do you have any close relatives, then?”
“Just my sister in New Mexico,” the patient replied. “But she’s a spinster nun.”
“Nuns are not spinsters, Mr. Smith,” the nun replied. “They are married to God.”
“Okay,” the man said with a smile. “Then send the bill to my brother-in-law.”
019 Class Discrimination
A plane is on its way to Montreal when a blonde in Economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits down. The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for Economy and that she will have to sit in the back. The blonde replies: “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Montreal and I’m staying right here.”
The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and copilot that there is some blonde bimbo sitting in First Class that belongs in Economy and won’t move back to her seat. The copilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for Economy she will have to leave and return to her seat. The blonde replies: “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Montreal and I’m staying right here.”
The copilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman that won’t listen to reason. The pilot says “I’ll handle this, I’m married to a blonde. I have learned to speak ‘blonde’.”
He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and without question she gets up and moves back to her seat in the Economy section. The flight attendant and copilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss?
“I told her First Class isn’t going to Montreal.”
020 Little Girl Worker
This is a must read story that will really touch your heart.
A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot.
One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on
the empty lot. The young family’s 6 year old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.
She hung around and eventually the construction crew – gems in
the rough all of them – more or less adopted her as a kind of
project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay
envelope containing a dollar. The little girl took this home to
her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and
suggested that they take the dollar pay she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account. When they got to the bank the teller was equally impressed with the story and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.
The little girl proudly replied, “I’ve been working with a crew building a house all week”.
“My goodness gracious”, said the teller, “and will you be working on
the house again this week too”?
“I will if those useless cocksuckers at the lumber yard ever bring us
the fucking wood”, replied the little girl.
021 Irish Drinkers
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.The bartender approaches and says to him, “You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time.”
The Irishman replies, “Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I’m here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I drinks one for each o’ me brothers and one for me self.”
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, “I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss.”
The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs.
“Oh, no. Everyone’s fine,” He explains, “It’s just that I joined the
Mormon Church and I had to quit drinking.”
022 Old Man Confesses
An old man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues.
Man: I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.
Priest : Are you sorry for your sins?
Man : What sins?
Priest : What kind of a Catholic are you?
Man : I’m Jewish
Priest: Why are you telling me all this?
Man : I’m telling everybody!
An woman walks into the butcher shop just before closing. She says, “Thank Heavens I’ve made it in time! Have you any chicken?” The butcher opens his fridge and takes out his only chicken, and plops it onto the scale. It weighs 2 1/2 pounds.
“Ah, haven’t you anything bigger?” the woman inquires. The butcher returns the chicken to the fridge, takes it out again,
and plops it onto the scale, only this time, he keeps his thumb on the chicken. The scale shows 3 1/4 pounds. “Marvelous!” says the woman. “I’ll have both of them please.”
024 Modern Administration
The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from generation to generation, says that when you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount. In modern administration, however, a whole range of far more advanced strategies are often employed, including:
1. Buying a stronger whip.
2. Changing Riders.
3. Threatening the horse with termination.
4. Appointing a committee to study the horse.
5. Arranging to visit other countries to see how others ride dead horses.
6. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.
7. Reclassifying the dead horse as “living, impaired”.
8. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.
9. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase the speed.
10. Providing additional funding and/or training to increase the dead horse’s performance.
11. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the dead horse’s performance.
12. Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less costly, carries lower overhead, and therefore contributes substantially more to the bottom line of the economy than do some other horses.
13. Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses.
14. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position.
025 Priests in Hawaii
Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc. The next morning they went to the beach, dressed in their “tourist” garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a “drop dead gorgeous” blonde in a tiny bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn’t help but stare.
As the blonde passed them, she smiled and said, “Good morning, Father,” “Good morning Father,” nodding and addressing each of them individually, and then passed on by. They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests?
The next day, they went back to the store, bought even more outrageous outfits. These were so loud, you could hear them before you even saw them. Once again, they settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine and enjoy the scenery. After a while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a string bikini this time, came walking toward them. Again, she approached them and greeted them individually: “Good morning, Father,” “Good morning, Father,” and started to walk away. Father Ned couldn’t stand it and said, “Just a minute, young lady.”
“Yes?” she replied.
“We are priests, and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did you know we are priests?”
“Father, it’s me, Sister Helen.”
Once upon a time, in a land far away, beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat, contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle. The frog hopped into the princess’ lap and said: Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and setup housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes,
bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so.
That night, as the princessdined sumptuously on a repast of lightly sauteed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled and thought to herself: I don’t fucking think so.
027 Modern Medicine
Here is further proof that the long term implications of drugs/procedures must be fully considered. Over the past few years, more money has been spent on breast implants and Viagra than on Alzheimer’s. In a few years, we will have a lot of people running around with huge breasts and erections who cannot remember what to do with them.
028 Golfing Priest
A fellow is getting ready to tee-off on the first hole when a second fellow approaches and asks if he can join him. The first says that he usually plays alone but agrees to let the second guy join him. Both are even after the first couple of holes. The second guy
says “Say, we’re about evenly matched, how about we play for five bucks a hole?”
The first fellow says that he usually plays alone and doesn’t like to bet, but agrees to the terms. Well, the second guy wins the rest of the holes and as they’re walking off of the eighteenth hole, and while counting his $80.00, he confesses that he’s the pro at
a neighboring course and likes to pick on suckers.
The first fellow reveals that he’s the Parish Priest at the local Catholic Church to which the second fellow gets all flustered and apologetic and offers to give the Priest back his money. The Priest says, “No, no. You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet
with you. You keep your winnings.”
The pro says, “Well, is there anything I can do to make it up to you?”
The Priest says, “Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. Then, if you bring your mother and father by after Mass, I’ll marry them for you.”
A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. While her Dad gets his hair cut, she stands right next to the barber chair, eating a Hostess snack cake. The barber says to her, “Y’ Know, sweetheart, you’re gonna get hair on your Twinkie.” “I know, ” she replies. “I’m gonna get tits too.”
030 Flies and Trooper
A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable. Finally the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.
The farmer said, “Having some problem with circle flies there, are ya?”
The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, ‘Well yeah, if that’s what they are. I never heard of circle flies.”
So the farmer says. “Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they’re called circle flies because they’re almost always found circling around the back end of a horse.
The trooper says, “Oh,” and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, “Hey, wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse’s ass?”
The farmer says, “Oh no officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse’s ass.”
The trooper says, “Well that’s a good thing”, and goes back to writing the ticket.
After a long pause the farmer says, “Hard to fool them flies though.”
Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews. “Squawks” are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews to fix before the next flight.
(P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement
(S) Almost replaced left inside main tire
(P) Test flight OK, except autoland very rough
(S) Autoland not installed on this aircraft
(P) #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid,
(S) #1, #3 and #4propellers lack normal seepage
(P) Something loose in cockpit
(S) Something tightened in cockpit
(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear
(S) Evidence removed
(P) DME volume unbelievably loud
(S) Volume set to more believable level
(P) Dead bugs on windshield
(S) Live bugs on order
(P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent
(S) Cannot reproduce problem on ground
(P) IFF inoperative
(S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode
(P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick
(S) That’s what they’re there for
(P) Number three engine missing
(S) Engine found on right wing after brief search
(P) Aircraft handles funny
(S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, “flyright” and be serious
(P) Target Radar hums
(S) Reprogrammed Target Radar with the words
032 Duck food
One day a convenience store worker was sitting not doing much. At 2 o’clock the doors swing open and a duck walks in.
“Do you have any duck food?” the duck asks.
“No we don’t have any duck food.”
“Okay, thanks anyway”, says the duck, and walks out.
The next day at 2 o’clock the doors swing open again, and the same duck walks in.
“Got any duck food?” he asks.
The clerk is a little annoyed. “No! We don’t have any duck food!”
“Fine.” the duck says and walks out.
The third day at 2 o’clock the doors swing open and the duck walks in and asks “Got any duck food?”
By now the clerk so getting very annoyed: “No” he yells “We don’t have any duck food! We didn’t have any yesterday won’t don’t have any today and we wont have any tomorrow! And if you come in here again and ask if we have and duck food I’ll nail your little web feet to the floor!”
All the duck does is turn and walk out the door.
On the forth day at 2 o’clock the doors swing open and the duck walks in: “Got any nails?” the duck asks.
“No we don’t have nails.”
“Well then,” the duck says “got any duck food?”
033 Children’s Perspective on Marriage and Related Topics
Marriage is when you get to keep your girl and don’t have to give her back to her parents. Eric, AGE 6
When somebody’s been dating for a while, the boy might propose to the girl. He says to her, “I’ll take you for a whole life, or at least until we have kids and get divorced, but you got to do one particular thing for me.” Then she says, “Yes,” but she’s wondering what the thing is and whether it’s naughty or not. She can’t wait to find out. Anita, AGE 9
HOW DOES A PERSON DECIDE WHOM TO MARRY?
You flip a nickel, and heads means you stay with him and tails means you try the next one. Kelly, AGE 9
My mother says to look for a man who is kind….That’s what I’ll do….I’ll find somebody who’s kinda tall and handsome. Carolyn, AGE 8
CONCERNING THE PROPER AGE TO GET MARRIED
Eighty-four, because at that age, you don’t have to work anymore, and you can spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom. Carolyn, AGE 8
Once I’m done with kindergarten, I’m going to find me a wife. Bert, AGE 5
HOW DID YOUR MOM AND DAD MEET?
They were at a dance party at a friend’s house. Then they went for a drive but their car broke down. It was a good thing, because it gave them a chance to find out about their values. Lottie, AGE 9
My father was doing some strange chores for my mother. They won’t tell me what kind. Jeremy, AGE 8
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. Martin, AGE 10
Many dater’s just eat pork chops and french fries and talk about love. Craig, AGE 9
WHEN IS IT OK TO KISS SOMEONE?
You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a ring and her own VCR, cause she’ll want to have videos of the wedding. Allan, AGE 10
Never kiss in front of other people. It’s a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you….If nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours. Kally, AGE 9
THE GREAT DEBATE: IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
You should ask the people who read Cosmopolitan.”Kirsten, AGE 10
It’s better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them. Anita, AGE 9
It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I’m just a kid. I don’t need that kind of trouble. Will, AGE 7
034 Air Line Agent Quotes
I had someone ask for an aisle seat so that their hair wouldn’t get messed up by being near the window.
A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, “Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?”
I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with “I’m not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts.” Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, “Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa.” Her response … click.
A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, “Don’t lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state.”
I got a call from a man who asked, “Is it possible to see England from Canada?” I said, “No.” He said, “But they look so close on the map.”
Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour lay-over in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, “I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time.”
A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!
A woman called and asked, “Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know who’s luggage belongs to who?” I said, “No, why do you ask?” She replied, “Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I’m overweight, is there any connection?” After putting her on hold for a minute while I “looked into it” (I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.
I just got off the phone with a man who asked, “How do I know which plane to get on?” I asked him what exactly he meant, which he replied, “I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them.”
A woman called and said, “I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those computer planes.” I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, “Yeah, whatever.”
A business man called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. “Oh no I don’t, I’ve been to China many times and never had to have one of those.” I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, “Look, I’ve been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!”
A woman called to make reservations, “I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York” The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent said,: “Are you sure that’s the name of the town?” “Yes, what flights do you have?” replied the customer. After some searching, the agent came back with, “I’m sorry, ma’am, I’ve looked up every airport code in the country and can’t find a Hippopotamus anywhere.” The customer retorted, “Oh don’t be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!” The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, “You don’t mean Buffalo, do you?” “That’s it! I knew it was a big animal!”
035 What Happens to the Greedy
Seems God was just about done creating the universe, had a couple of left-over things left in his bag of creations, so he stopped by to visit Adam and Eve in the Garden. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up and pee. “It’s a very handy thing,” God told the couple who he found hanging around under an apple tree. “I was wondering if either one of you wanted that ability.”
Adam popped a cork, jumped up and begged, “Oh, give that to me! I’d love to be able to do that! It seems the sort of thing a Man should do. Oh please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. I’d be so great! When I’m working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just let it rip, I’d be so cool. Oh please God! Let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please.” On and on he went like an excited little boy (who had to pee).
Eve just smiled and shook her head at the display. She told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, and it sure seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy, she really wouldn’t mind if Adam were the one given the ability to stand up and pee. And so it was.
“Fine,” God said, looking back into his bag of left-over gifts. “What’s left here that Eve might like? Oh here’s one. Multiple orgasms…”
036 Pierre, the Fighter Pilot
Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It’s a beautiful day, and love is in the air.
Marie leans over to Pierre and says: “Pierre, kiss me!”
Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie’s lips. What are you doing, Pierre?” says the startled Marie.
“I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!”
She smiles and they start kissing. When things began to heat up a
little, Marie says, “Pierre, kiss me lower.”
Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts. Pierre! What are you doing?” asks the bewildered Marie.
“I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white
They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up.
Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, “Pierre, kiss me lower!” Our hero rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it In her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on fire.
Marie shrieks and dives into the river. Standing waist deep, Marie
throws her arms up and screams furiously, “PIERRE, WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING?”
Our hero stands up, defiantly, and says, “I am Pierre, the fighter
pilot! If I go down, I go down in flames!”
037 Bears in Billings
A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer. The bartender approaches and says, “We don’t serve beer to bears in bars in Billings.”
The bear, becoming angry, demands that he be served a beer. The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, “We don’t serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings.”
The bear, very angry now, says, “If you don’t serve me a beer, I’m going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar.”
The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings.” The bear goes to the end of the bar, and as promised, eats the woman.
He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer. The bartender states, “Sorry, we don’t serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs.”
The bear says, “I’m NOT on drugs.”
(……..You’re going to love this………)
The bartender says, “You are now. That was a barbitchyouate.
038 The Pet
A guy was lonely, and decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. He went to the pet store and told the owner he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede. He decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar to have a drink. Heasked the centipede, “Would you like to go to Frank’s with me and have a beer?” But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, “How about going to the bar with me and having a drink?” But again, therewas no answer from his new friend and pet.
So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one moretime; this time putting his face up against the entipede’s box and shouting. “Hey in there! Would you like to go to Frank’s place and have a drink with me?”
A little voice came out of the box, “I heard you the first time. I’m putting on my shoes.”
039 Thinking On One’s Feet
One day, farmer Jones was in town picking up supplies for his farm. He stopped by the hardware store and picked up a bucket and an anvil. Then, he stopped by the livestock dealer to buy a couple of chickens and a goose. However, he now had a problem how to carry all of his purchases home.The livestock dealer said,”Why don’t you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand.”
“Hey thanks!” the farmer said, and off he went.
While walking he met a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, “Can you tell me how to get to 1515 Mockingbird Lane?” The farmer said, “Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. Let’s take my short cut and go down this alley, we’ll be there in no time.”
The little old lady said,”I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we go down this alley you won’ t hold me against the wall, pull up my skirt, and take advantage of me?”
The farmer said, “Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you against the wall and do that?”
“Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I’ll hold the chickens
040 Three Convicts
Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them pass the time during theirstays. On the bus, one turned to another and said, “So, what did you bring?”
The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the “Grandma Moses of prison.” Then he asked the first, “”What did you bring?”
The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned saying, “I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire, gin-any number of games.” The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself.The other two took notice and asked, “Why are you so smug? What did you bring?”
The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. He said, “I brought these.” The other two were puzzled and asked, “What on earth can you do with those?”
He grinned, pointing to the box, and answered, “Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating…”
041 Gender Orientation
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. “What are you doing?” she asked.
“Hunting flies,” he responded.
“Oh! Killing any?” she asked.
“Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,” he replied.
Intrigued, she asked: “How can you tell?”
“Three were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone,”
An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, “I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.”
“Pop, what are you talking about?” the son screams.
“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the old man says. We’re sick of each other, and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her,”and he hangs up.
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. Like heck they’re getting divorced,” she shouts,”I’ll take care of this.”
She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, “You are NOT getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get there! I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing! DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. Okay,” he says, “they’re coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own fares. Now what do we tell them for Christmas?
Two fellows from out yonder, Bubba and Cooter, decided that they weren’t going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead. They go to the local college and find a professor’s office. Cooter waits in the hall while Bubba goes into the professor’s office seeking advice. The professor advises him to take math, history, and logic.
“What’s logic?” asked Bubba.
The professor answered, “Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed-eater?”
“I sure do.” answered Bubba.
“Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard,” replied the professor.
“That’s real good,” Bubba responded in awe.
The professor continued: “Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also have a house.”
Impressed, Bubba shouted, “GAWL-LEEE!!”
“And since you own a house and a house is tough to take care of by yourself, logic dictates that you have a wife.”
“Sally Mae! This is incredible!” (Bubba is obviously catching on.)
“Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual rather than homosexual” said the professor.
“You’re absolutely right! Why that’s the most fascinatin’ thing I ever heard of. I can’t wait to take this here logic class.”
Bubba, pleased with the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where Cooter was still waiting.
“So what classes ya takin?” Cooter asks.
“Math, history, and logic,” replies Bubba.
“What in tarnation is logic?”
“Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed-eater?”
“You’re a queer, ain’t cha.”
044 WHO READS WHAT AND WHY
1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.
2. The New York Times is read by people who think they run the country.
3. The Washington Post is read by people who think they should run the country.
4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don’t really understand the Washington Post. They do, however, like their smog statistics shown in pie charts.
5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn’t mind running the country, if they could spare the time, and if they didn’t have to leave LA to do it.
6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country and they did a far superior job of it, thank you very much.
7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren’t too sure who’s running the country, and don’t really care as long as they can get a seat on the train.
8. The New York Post is read by people who don’t care who’s running the country either, as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.
9. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren’t sure there is a country, or that anyone is running it; but whoever it is, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are handicapped minority feministic atheist dwarfs, who also happen to be illegal aliens from ANY country or galaxy as long as they are democrats.
10. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country, but need the baseball scores.
A man was driving along the highway and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful that he began to cry.
A blonde woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.
I feel terrible,” he explained. “I accidentally it this rabbit and killed it.”
The blonde told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car trunk and pulled out a spray can, walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit. Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two people and hopped down the road. Ten feet away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two people again, hopped down the road another 10 feet, turned, waved, hopped another 10 feet, turned, waved and repeated this again and again until it was out of sight.
The man was astonished. He couldn’t figure out what substance could be in the woman’s spray can! He ran over to the woman and asked, “What was in your spray can? What did you spray onto that rabbit?”
The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: (Are you ready for this?)
“Hair Spray– Restores Life to Dead Hair. Adds Permanent Wave.”
046 The “The Two-Cow Explanation” Of What Makes a Christian
You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor.
You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
A REPUBLICAN:You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So what?
You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office who tax your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money and buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous.
You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You have two cows. The government seizes both and sells you the
milk. You join the underground and start a campaign of sabotage.
DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE:
You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE:
You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE:
You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, then pours the milk down the drain.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.
A FRENCH CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
A GERMAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION:You have two cows but you don’t know where they are. You break for lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
A MEXICAN CORPORATION:
You think you have two cows, but you don’t know what a cow looks like. You take a nap.
A SWISS CORPORATION:
You have 5000 cows, none of which belongs to you. You charge for storing them for others.
A BRAZILIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You enter into a partnership with an American
corporation. Soon you have 1000 cows and the American corporation declares bankruptcy.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You worship them.
A TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You turn them loose in the Afghan countryside” and they both die. You blame the godless American infidels.
047 Just in…
Poland’s worst air disaster occurred today when a small 2-seat plane crashed into a cemetery this afternoon in central Poland. Polish search and rescue workers have recovered 826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.
048 Down to the Sea in Ships
A young blonde in Halifax was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the harbour. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying.
He took pity on her and said, “Look, you have so much to live for. I’m off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I’ll take good care of you and bring you food every day.” Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, “I’ll keep you happy, and you’ll keep me happy.”
The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in Europe would give her life new meaning.
That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid herin a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.
Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain. “What are you doing here?” the captain asked.
“I have an arrangement with one of the sailors,” she explained. “I get food and a trip to Europe, and he’s screwing me.”
“He certainly is,” the captain said. “This is the Dartmouth Ferry.”
049 Oil Change Instructions:
1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
Oil Change $20.00
Coffee $ 1.00
1) Go to auto parts store and write a check for $50.00 for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree.
2) Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it back to O’Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid’s pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: get hot oil on you in process.
12) Clean up mess.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Look for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist off.
17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.
18) Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20) Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26) Discover that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.
27) Drink beer.
28) Uncover hole and sift for drain plug.
29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor.
30) Drink beer.
31) Slip with wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
33) Begin cussing fit.
34) Throw wrench.
35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December (1992) in the left boob.
37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
42) Lower car from jack stands.
43) Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.
44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during step 23. (1st quart of oil)
46) Test drive car.
47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
48) Car gets impounded.
49) Make bail.
50) Get car from impound yard.
Impound fee $75.00
But hey, you know the job was done right!
050 Three Year Old Nurse
It was late at night and Heidi, who was expecting her second child, was home alone with her 3 year old daughter, Kathleen. Heidi started to go into labor and called 911. Due to a power outage at the time, only one paramedic was able to respond to the call. The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Kathleen to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.
Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his feet, and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help, and asked the wide eyed 3 year old Kathleen what she thought about what she had just witnessed.
Kathleen quickly responded, “He shouldn’t have crawled in there in the first place. Spank him again.”